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Monday, October 19, 2009

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 06:06:39 GMT

Why??

The Doorway

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 17:12:28 GMT

So imagine that you and a few friends are given the opportunity for free rent and some $10,000 for one semester. So what is the catch? All you have to do is renovate the house, oh and I almost forgot somewhere in the house lies a doorway straight to HELL.

At the start everything seems fine, the residents are doing some cleaning, and rocking out to some Donna Summer, until strange things start to happen, for instance a creepy hand rubbing some girl's tea nitties in the shower. At first everyone just plays the strange occurrences off, until one guy finds out that the house was built on ground that was used for devil worship. About this time some demons start showing up, randy as hell. So what are four college students suppose to do? Option A: get the fuck out, Option B: take some hot demon gel up the ass, or Option C: ask your professor what to do. Well the college students make the worst decision, and ask for their professor's advice. I personally would have taken option B.

When the professor starts to investigate the house, the demons are really pissed off so they start to fuck shit up and you do get to see some sweet kills, like someone getting their face peeled off. Throughout most of the movie you do get to see many sex scenes including a few demon sex scenes. So on the whole I really enjoyed this movie, maybe it's because I enjoy demon sex, or maybe it's all of the boobies, or maybe it' the fact that I like sweet kills, but regardless if you have even the slightest inclination towards either of those than stop reading this review and watch that movie. If not you can go fuck yourself.

two thumbs up
Leong

Bone Daddy

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 18:47:15 GMT

So this movie starts out with the former chief medical examiner of Chicago, William Palmer writing a fictional book, about a case he was never able to solve. The title of the book is surprise Bone Daddy. With the recent publication of the instant hit seller, the author starts to receive some human bones wrapped in pages from his own book. The big surprise is that the bones are removed from a person who is still alive. Obviously the killer has a personal vendetta against the main protagonist.

The sweet part about this movie is that Palmer when he is depressed, which is basically the entire movie, he goes to a chess bar to drink/play his sorrows away. But on a whole this movie pretty much sucked, and I do not want anyone to go through the movie, aspca since the only tae-nitties you get to see are dead black ones, and while that might turn some people on, others like my self are disgusted by that. (The black part not the dead)

Basically Bone Daddy, while it has a sweet name, it is a waste of time. Also if the suspense of who the killer is, gets to be to much to handle all you have to do is look on the back of the box. Another thing is

Two Thumbs Down

Leong

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 08:34:59 GMT

Movie - The West
Tagline -

PBS released this 12 1/2 hour project in 1996, from Ken Burns and Stephen Ives. Fortunately the VHS was only one snippet of the whole thing. The project begins before European settlement, and continues through the 20th century, but this peice just covers the gold rush era.

Most of the historical facts are presented chronologically, helped along by a center story about one man (voiced by Matthew Broderick) who kept a detailed diary while he left New York for California, and eventually returned home with no more money than he left.

Lots of people died. From the rough trails west, to the bandits robbing wealth, to the crazy white people attempting to exterminate those silly indians. Apparently California used to have laws where you could make any indian under the age of 18 your slave with the signature of a "friend."

Lots of people went to get rich, very few miners actually did. But the whores and bankers came out of the whole thing fairly well.

The VHS had good photos that it used to show people of the time, and articulate points, but I felt that the filmakers made a needlessly risky, and fatal decision when they went against the norm and didn't use any actual film footage of the time. Interest could have been held much better with "moving pictures" as some like to call them. They also could have left out the part about the Chinese, except maybe the part about the one chinaman opening a laundry shop.

Thumbs Down.

- Schneider

The Virgin Suicides

Sun, 11 Feb 2007 19:38:36 GMT

Ok so this film is suppose to be about growing up in the mid 80's. In reality the lives that the teens lived really wasn't that different from most lives that teenagers live today. Especially Josh Hartnett's character, named Trip. He was such a badass, I mean at the age of sixteen, not only was he smoking dubs in his red Firebird, but at one of the school dances he brought a pint of peach schnapps.

Through out the entire move a group of teenage boys are trying to befriend the Lisbon sisters, five lovely girls ages 13 to 17. The girls parents are math teacher James Woods, and psycho religious bitch Kathleen Turner. As you can imagine Jesus does not want the girls to; listen to Kiss records, talk to boys, wear clothing that show the shoulder, and above all Jesus despises suicide. Apparently the Lisbon girls must have missed that sermon, because as the title of the movie states the girls do commit suicide. It starts with the youngest girl trying to slit her wrist, but hey she even sucked at killing her self. A few weeks later after some therapy from Danny DeVito, the youngest girl jumps out a window and lands on an iron fence post. Later in the movie Josh Hartnett starts going after the second youngest Lisbon girl, played by Kristen Dunst. Well Trip is some how able to convince James Woods to allow him and some of the members of the football team to take the girls to a school dance. Well at the dance, Trip is able to sneak out with his girl and he fucks her in the middle of the football field. So she is late, and mom gets pissed, so the girls kill themselves.

Life was so terrible for them, they didn't have any debts, or they didn't lose millions of dollars on the stock market, but I guess when you are a teenage girl, not being able to go the movies, must be a legitimate reason to kill your self. The one thing that I learned in this movie is that if you want to turn a girl into a complete slut, you need to follow these simple steps. Step 1: get the girl drunk on some peach schnapps. Step 2: take her to the middle of the football field. Step 3: fuck her until she passes out. Step 4: walk away as if nothing happened. With these simple steps it will turn any girl into a huge whore.

two thumbs down

Leong

Bastard out of Carolina

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 01:14:19 GMT

Movie: Bastard out of Carolina

Bone is an appropriately named ten year old girl. The nickname came about because her uncle said that she was the size of a "knuckle bone" when she was in the hospital after being born. Ignoring Uncle Earle's ignorance of physiology, the comment was dumb because she seemed just as big as any other baby.

Bone was a bastard, and if you haven't figured out, she's also from Carolina. These are two major pulls at sympathy the director uses. Bone's mother spends half of the movie crying about how Bone's birth certificate says she's illigitimate, a shocking result of her not knowing who the father is. While this is meant to be a big deal, no one but the mom seems to care. People give dirty looks to everyone in Bone's family because they are poor and stupid, bastardity is just the assumption.

I said Bone's mother spent half of the movie trying to make her legit. Well she spent the other half letting her get abused by her 2nd husband (the 1st flew out of his car windshield, a repeated theme in the film). While child abuse is taboo and a probably indefensible subject, I'll make my stand just the same. Bone deserved it. You should have heard the way she talked back to her "daddy". In another scene, her mother called her from downstairs and Bone didn't hear her. You know what improves hearing, a belt. the whinney bitch broke her tail bone. That should have ultimately taught her to behave, but no, she kept pushing the issue. I can concede that rape may have been a bit harsh on the father's part, but he was frustrated. Parents can only do so much.

I give this movie two thumbs down. I don't appreciate attempts at forcing my emotions and sympathies with extreme acts such as rape unless Jodie Foster is in the movie.

- Gore

Don't make movies with tv actors

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 23:48:39 GMT

Movie-Jeffrey
Tagline-It's just sex!

~mark thumbs down
In celebration of Star Trek TNG 2.0 now being on the the air, this movie was picked out by me for the sole reason that it had Patrick Stewart in it....and was he ever in it! Turns out Jeffrey is a comedy about AIDS. Now if you're thinking like I was you're probably thinking, wow I've always wanted to write a comedy about AIDS (mostly b/c the jokes write themselves) this is going to be hilarious but Jeffrey goes at it in a more educational screwball Broadway-show sort of way which of course, is not funny at all.

The plot involves the titular character (played by that guy from Wings) getting so fed up with how paranoid all of his hundreds of sexual partners a week are about the possibility that he has AIDS, that, even though to him sex is the absolutely best thing in life, he decides to abstain. Things are going swimingly until one day Patrick Stewart (who was basically Jeffrey's M to his B in the NAMBLA sense of things) sets him up with a dream boat of a man (who is played by that guy from The Pretender). Jeffrey is very reluctant b/c he's got quite the streak going but soon caves in only to immediately be told that Mr. Man Candy himself has AIDS. I guess that's one thing you can't pretend away. Basically from there it goes back and forth a few times in cheesy romantic comedy fashion until the happy ending.

As far as gayness goes concerning the three main characters, Patrick Stewart kicks the other two guys asses. The guy from Wings doesn't give him any competition and that might have been a directorial decision b/c you don't want the main character too gay but come on, we didn't get so much as an eye roll from that guy. The Pretender did better [obviously] but he just looks straight. But Patrick literally frolicked in and out of every scene, had a lisp that was so thick he could have slipped it into the word 'cake' and it turns out that a Yorkshire accent is inherently very gay. But alas, even his Gay Academy Award worthy performance just wasn't enough to save this lame ass movie.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 06:10:01 GMT

Gore is doing a good (BAD) job of picking out movies staring 8-10 year boys. This is one of your typical childrens movies in that it is teaching kids all the wrong things. In the movie the kid, Ben Wagner moves to a new town where his father has a new high stress job. Ben is a weak kid who is afraid of everything...until he meets the local grade school witch who encourages (bespells) ben in order to do a bunch of things like cross some rapids, tryout for the basketball team, and save his drowing sister from the river.
Well in the meantime his dad is failing at work and life, being both a bad real estate agent as well as a bad father. Then one day Ben takes his dad out to the lake where his dad has a great time.

Meanwhile back at the office, Dad mentions his great day to evil boss man. The boss, being competent in his job realizes that this has great potential as a development site. Within hours he is project managers of the development. Within another day he has a complete plan, as well as having a massive numbers of investors lined up.

Well ben finds out that his witch friend and her crazy old grammy are going to be bought out and gets really pissed off, promises to never talk to his dad again and goes crying to his mother.

In the end the dad gets all sentimental and throws the big investment presentation and loses his job, only to get offered a new one on the spot in an industry he knows nothing about.

Now i think the wrong lesson was taught in this film by the "here is another job" ending. I think the correct ending would be him going out and showing how damn good he is at setting up massive investment projects, as long as his kid doesnt get involved. I would hire him in a heartbeat, and just tell him that his kid has to stay in another state. something like 3 days later he has the entire project sealed up and can go back home for a while. then call him out whenever yyou are ready again.

Two thumbs down for saying "im putting people in front of things...you should try it sometime" first this is a horrible quote because of the lack of context, what if the thing you are putting a person in front of is a car, or a firing squad. when you say something like that you need to be specific. Second, in a metaphorical sense this is horrible, kids are going to be subjected to commercials all their life, they should just be taught from the start that things are more important. therefore when they have to make the choice between man downing a person to get something awesome they will have no problem and therefore be happy.
--Muffin

Muffin did a good job summing up the amazing qualities of this movie, save for one. He forgot to mention the fat sister, Sussane. Reminisent of DJ Tanner, the old sister is a little annoying, a tad too fat, and wrought with problems that can be solved at the end of the episode with a talk and a hug.

Also, the girl that befriended timid little Ben was not really a witch. She was actually really pissed off at the end of the movie when Ben told her that he always thought she was and that he wanted to be a witch too.

Kids.

- Gore

Saturday, January 27, 2007

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 18:34:59 GMT

Going to jail for watching this bad boy, Fuck you Canada

--Muffin

Ridicule

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 14:37:03 GMT

movie: Ridicule

tagline: Il n'epargne personne. ('wit is the ultimate weapon')

For starters, the movie was done in French, set in France, and about French people. Le Marquis Grégoire Ponceludon de Malavoy wants to save some poor people from a flooding swamp. Somehow, despite being poor and living with the poor his whole life, he is a certified engineer. He travels to court to make a plea to the King to fund his plan for draining the swamp, but apparantly the only way to ever get anything done in France is to say witty things. There is no shortage of sayings that might be funny to a French speaker, but their civilized allure must have been lost in the sub- titles. The plot was incomprehensible; the only things I really understood was that there was some crazy woman who liked to go scuba diving in wells, most people in France sit around alot, and it's ok to take your clothes off in movies (the only plus of the feature).

This movie does not win any Gore awards.

~Gore